Day 38
Friday, April 11th
“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.
-CS Lewis (The Four Loves)
“I will restore the years the locusts have eaten… and you will praise the name of the Lord your God, who has worked wonders for you… Then you will know that I am… the Lord your God
(Joel 2:25-27 NLT)
I lived for many years with my heart locked up “safe in a casket of my selfishness”. Rooted in my childhood trauma was the belief that people could not be trusted and I carried that belief with me into my adult life. On the surface, I was warm and friendly, but there were thick walls around my heart, protecting it from being broken. I lived on the surface, putting all my efforts into impressing strangers and none into loving my friends.
For most of my adult life I was trying to grow spiritually while not realizing that emotionally, I was stunted. We can’t become spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature.
It was in a counselling session that a light went on for me. My counsellor said, “It seems as though you think people are either a hundred percent good or a hundred percent bad. It seems you think they will either be totally loyal to you, or hurt, betray, and leave you. Do you really think it is one or the other?”
That question rocked my world. That belief really was the way I looked at people. As we explored it more deeply, I became aware that as a child, I had made an inner vow to never give anyone the opportunity to leave me. And later in life, when I face significant betrayals from people close to me, I doubled down on that vow. Keeping my heart locked up in a casket of selfishness was the only way I could ensure that no one would ever betray or leave me. So I didn’t open myself up to others, I didn’t let them in, and then I wondered why I found it so hard to love people the way Jesus does. I had been trying to grow up spiritually while emotionally, I was still a scared little child. It just doesn’t work.
I am so thankful that God loved me too much to leave my heart locked away in its own selfishness. I am thankful that He showed me that in order to move forward, I had to go back and deal with the pain of my past. I am thankful that because of Jesus, I am learning how to look at people through His eyes, and learning to love them like He does.
In God’s hands, the place where our failures intersect with God’s promises can become holy ground. It is precisely from our deepest wound, our greatest flaw, our farthest fall, that we can offer the tenderest love to others. In the well of our deepest wounds, the sweetest water gathers. And in God’s hands, the grace that washes over those wounds will spill over and refresh the people around us.
If you feel like God is saying to you today that you need to go back in order to move forward with him, we want to help.
Text CARE to 604-670-3040 and we will help you take your next step.
“Be bold and courageous. Banish fear and doubt, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go”
(Joshua 1:9)
Wherever we go. Back into our pasts or forward into the vulnerable future of learning how to better love the people around us. Wherever He is leading you, don’t be afraid to follow.