What started out as an attempt to become physically fit soon became a vortex of obsession and self-absorption that would lead me down a very destructive road. As I exercised my body incessantly I began to see results in the mirror and received compliments from friends who told me I was “looking great“. This only fuelled the fire, causing me to devote more and more time to my pursuit of physical perfection.
I also started to notice I was getting looks from other men, which I secretly relished. One man in particular began to pay a lot of attention to me. The only problem was, he wasn’t my husband. I found him to be friendly and attractive. I was amazed that someone like him would give me the time of day. Gradually, I found myself thinking about this person more and more. One day I found out that the feelings were reciprocal. In retrospect I see that this was a continuation of a pattern of approval seeking, a form of an addiction, which served to confirm my self-worth as a woman.
Now my life split into two worlds. An affair began. Not long after, I told my husband about the other man. From my warped perspective, I felt that he would just have to understand and accept that I was in love and needed to move on. Of course this didn’t happen! He was incredulous and understandably devastated. Witnessing his pain, I felt like a monster. I resolved to end the affair, to squelch my own emotions and needs for the sake of my family. Anyone who has been in this situation, however, knows that matters of the heart are never easily solved. Feelings are not like a light switch, which can be turned on and off.
Sadly, this secret life I was living had complete control over me. I even became numb to the people who I had always loved more than life itself: my children. My focus and energy was solely on this clandestine relationship. There were more negative aspects to living this life than I had thought. Realities of spouses and children on both sides and the pain we were causing them, became more apparent. We could both see that “our new life together“, one that we had fantasized about was going to be anything but wonderful. For some lengthy period of time, multiple attempts to put an end to this relationship failed.
Then one day my daughter suggested that our family attend a church service at Southside. One of her school friends had invited us to come "sometime". Being that it was Christmas time, our family decided it would be a good time to try it out. As the four of us walked in, a feeling of warmth and love washed over me. I could see a real difference radiating out of the people there. They were smiling, hugging, laughing and some were even crying! It was awesome. Little did I know then that this would become home for us, too. As the worship music played and the message was shared, I felt a true connection begin.
That's when I realized what was missing in my life; it was God.
As the weeks and months passed, we continued to attend Southside. I began to understand what it means to have a "personal relationship" with God. My soul was being fed. I realize now that it was The Holy Spirit who was convicting me of the sinful liaison in which I was immersed. Knowing that God was real and that Jesus loved me, regardless of my sin, I now had the strength to put an end, once and for all, to this relationship. In my heart I wanted to honour the Lord and do what would please Him.
I asked Jesus to forgive my sins and come into my heart. He was faithful and true, cleansing me from within. Coming clean with my husband was extremely scary and difficult. I knew the very real possibility existed that even though God had forgiven me that he may not be able to. However, I knew that if we were to begin anew, there could be no more deception, no secrets that might one day pop out of the closet. I believe that when I confessed to my husband, he could truly see that I was different now, that I was sincere from the deepest part of my soul. It was not easy for him to take a chance and trust me again. But unlike before, I told him I would do whatever he required in order to rebuild this trust.
Since that day I have found a peace inside that I never had before. Yes, there have been challenges along the road but I continually turn to the One who lifted me out of the mire and He is ALWAYS faithful to guide my steps and keep me on His path. I am amazed at the change in my life. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this was God’s divine intervention in my life. I am thankful that He “knows the plans“ He “has for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me.“ (Jeremiah 29:11)
A wonderful, added bonus to all of this is that our family has made eternal friendships with compassionate, sincere people who value the things that matter most in life. A newfound love for life, a passion for loving and caring for my family, and a hunger to have an even deeper relationship with Jesus Christ: Wow! Who could ask for more?
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