Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
Some of the best parenting advice I ever received came from a bachelor. He said to me that once your children are teenagers, you can't exercise too much control over them. When they are going out the door, to school, or out with friends, just say to them “I know you're going to make good decisions today”, and believe in them. Believe that the things you taught them when they were young will stick and they will use those guidelines to make good decisions on their own. Sounds simple enough, right? But then why is it so hard? Why is it such a temptation to become a “talking head”, lecturing and disapproving at every opportunity? Why is it so easy to become like the adults in Peanut cartoons who make a lot of noise but never say anything? I don't want to be that kind of parent and I'm really praying that God will teach me how to be an effective parent of teenagers and not lose my mind in the process.
This whole parenting of teenagers thing has me on a huge adrenaline rush—my mommy-radar is set on “super-vigilant” as I navigate these uncharted waters and today I just wanted to share some of the things I've observed so far. Notice that I said “observed” and not “learned” because parenting doesn't really work that way does it? Just when you think you've “learned” something with one of your children, the next kid comes along and is so different from the last one that you are back once again in parenting kindergarten. So let me share three “observations” that I have made so far that have made my (limited) experience parenting teenagers a bit more effective and a lot more fun.
1) Lighten up--a little bit of humour goes a long way.
Letting your teenagers go out into this world so fraught with peril lends itself quite easily to becoming a parent who is as serious as a heart attack. I have found that teenagers don't respond well to serious discussions with their parents about pretty much anything. Couching “serious” content in a humorous tone seems to be an effective way of communicating with your teen.
2) Lighten up--don't sweat the small stuff.
There are so many hills we don't have to die on as parents. Movies, music, clothing styles, body piercing, hair styles...these are all potentially loaded guns. I have strong opinions in every one of the above mentioned areas. Should I share them with my teens at every given opportunity? Should I enforce strict rules in every area and turn pretty much every conversation into a battle? Do I die on every one of these hills? I have discovered that making my last stand on these issues doesn't accomplish very much. It doesn't mean that I should throw out every single value that I hold dear, but it does mean that instead of imposing rules on these types of things, it is much more effective to make suggestions, and to engage my teens in conversations about certain movies, songs and other such matters. Even if in the moment I get defensiveness, eye-rolling, and annoyance as a response, I think it sinks in a whole lot better if it is presented as suggestions and food for thought rather than imposed as hard and fast rules.
3) Lighten up--restrain yourself when you feel the urge to preach.
Wow this one is hard for me. I see a teachable moment behind every bush, but unfortunately teenagers don't seem to like teachable moments very much. So here it what I have found works pretty well. When one of your teens is disclosing to you about something that happened during the course of their day and your spidey-senses are feeling a teachable moment coming—restrain thyself!!! Bite the end off your tongue if you need to, but DO NOT, under any circumstances, preach on that topic at that time!! If you do, your teen will think twice about sharing stuff with you in the future, and then you will have lost the chance to help them navigate the things they face every day. So here's what I find works really well: play it cool in the moment. Casually respond to the events that your teen is unfolding to you even if you feel like the top of your head is going to blow off. Then bide your time. I once waited two whole days (a small miracle in itself) to broach a topic that had caused me great alarm when my teen originally shared it with me. After two days had passed, I casually re-approached the subject and had a great conversation that involved absolutely no eye-rolling whatsoever. Timing really is everything with teenagers.
That's really all I have for you right now. I know I've only been the parent of teenagers for three years and I have, let's see...fourteen more to go (pray for me). Add this limited experience to the fact that the jury is still out on whether or not my teens will even become fully functioning adults who contribute positively to society and you will have every right to take what I've said with a grain of salt. In fact, you even have my permission to roll your eyes if you want to.
