It was autumn of 1993 and the love of my life was dying. He was in horrendous pain and the morphine no longer touched it. But my wonderful husband’s mind was clear and it interacted with mine as we explored our impending separation.
I stayed with him twenty-four hours a day, slept fitfully, did chores, and got the mail from the mailbox down the road. One day there was a card that said “Would you like the Jesus tape“? I thought it was probably “Jesus Christ Superstar“?, a film that I had missed seeing. So I checked yes and posted the card. How surprised I was when my eye doctor and his wife brought me the tape!
By this time my beloved was suffering even more and I put the tape aside. My days were consumed with the helpless agony of giving my husband the freedom to go.
Interactions with my children, family and friends had become a blur. I clung to my daily duty and – remembered the Jesus tape. I put it on and sat in my beloved’s chair, and watched as my heart was stripped bare. I thought my heart would burst as I wept for Jesus and my husband. I have such a hard time understanding pain and the suffering of the two men fused and my compassion for Jesus as he suffered as a Man finally made me believe that Jesus was real. Before watching the video, I thought that God was out of reach for me. His sorrowful last journey on earth made me realize that He was real and that He was close.
My new friend phoned me shortly after I watched the Jesus tape and asked if I’d like to talk about it. “Yes“?, I said, “I would“?, and she came to see me. Immediately, I started to be a film critic, telling her that I did not agree with how they portrayed the women in that film. Not a word did I say to her about how profoundly my heart had been affected.
She simply said, “May I pray with you“? She did not correct me or add her own perceptions; she simply took my hands and started praying. We read out the four spiritual laws and I thought: “Yes! Yes! How much I wanted to believe! But me-a sinner?“? I had lived a good Christian life, was born into a state church, was baptized, confirmed, and believed that I was a Christian for life. I filled out all the old government forms as Christian where it said religion. I did not go to any Church or read the Bible. Christianity seemed a cultural aspect of my good life.
I began asking God to show me my sins. How I wanted to believe in His love and acceptance!
My new friend invited me to church. For the first time, I felt in the presence of the Lord. I wept as the simple words of worship songs entered my heart and I heard His voice speaking to me. I felt totally bewildered to find out that He’d been outside my door for over 50 years and I finally heard His knock and let Him in.
On November 6th, 1995, I was baptized in a beautiful cold lake. The sins that I’ve learned to recognize are forgiven and being left behind.
My life has changed. I have learned that Jesus had waited all those years to become my beloved. He helps me to see. I became blind a year ago yet I have also learned to see. My prayer life has brought me into a wondrous personal relationship and a greater love for my fellow human beings throughout the world.
I was told that very few people become believers late in life. But in His infinite grace He will give this gift. For me, it has become a new way of being. I also know now what my beloved meant when he used to say how much he wished he could “believe“?. I wished it had come his way. I have prayed often that His infinite grace fulfills such longing even now.
God’s infinite grace will fulfill your longing too, if you just hear his knocking and open the door.
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